Its getting harder :(

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

Its getting harder :(

Postby huntk94 » Fri May 01, 2015 4:53 am

My mum was this loud, crazy, fun person. She couldn't have a conversation without screeching it loud enough for china to hear. She worked in mental health, she got married 2 years ago yesterday and she was an amazing.. happy person. She had back problems, a slipped disc. She always had it, never stopped her from doing what she wanted to do. She had an op in November, got an infection was in hospital for nearly a month. Came out, on a lot of pills but was getting much better. She was only 44. When she felt like she could she asked the doc if It was ok to stop taking her painkillers, they said it was fine. I went to see her all the time with my two little boys who she adored. My oldest is 3 nearly 4, she had him most Thursday nights. She was such a good nana. She had him Thursday 29th, I picked him up on 30th. She was happy. She made plans to come see him swimming for the first time the following Thursday and to go out with my during the day. Sunday 1st of feb, I see a police car pull in my drive. His face, he didn't have to say anything. He said it was so sudden they couldn't tell me how she died, they told my sister the same. I was kind of handed some false sense of hope I guess, I was led to believe she died in her sleep. Untill the next day when my dad blurted it out, what really happened. He was told, so was my little brother. He thought we knew. Someone we knew did It years ago and she always said how selfish it was and how she wouldn't ever do it, and if she was to do it she wouldn't do it that way. My mums husband took 8 days to ask how I was, hes asked me twice since and those two times ive had to get into contact with him. He told everyone at her funeral how she died and left us out completely. Her funeral was supposed to be goodbye but I couldn't do that because I was too angry to be sad. Shes missed my little boys 1st birthday, mothers day, her birthday and her wedding anniversary, and shes about to miss my boys 4th birthday. I cry everyday on my own, she helped me soo much. She was my bestfriend and I cant imagine living my whole life and bringing up my boys without her. I cant believe she was unhappy and I didn't see it. It gets harder everyday. I don't believe it gets better. Maybe ill learn to live round the gaping hole where she should be but I don't believe it will get easier. I just wish she was here to tell me what to do and how to deal with this :(
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Re: Its getting harder :(

Postby Jason » Sat May 02, 2015 8:36 pm

huntk94, you are not alone. I have not been on this site for a good while but when I was I learned how many there are that shared these pains. I am not going to say that it will get easier, it just gets different. I use to cry about different memories I had of my wife, be it in the store, at a park, or my own back yard. Its been 3+ years for me now and I still get upset at times but at least some of the memories that use to pain me, bring a smile to my face now. It can take time to heal and understand. My heart goes out to you and your family and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jason
July 1986 - Oct 2011. Whispering nightly. "Rebecca, I love you. I forgive you. I miss you. I will hold you again."
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Hunk and Jason

Postby Karyl » Sun May 03, 2015 8:18 am

Hunk and Jason,

Welcome to the Suicide Grief Support Forum. I am so sorry that you each have a reason to be here.

Hunk, my heart breaks for you losing your mum to suicide. Mothers should not go first; it should be the other way around. Do you have good memories of her?

Jason, I am glad that you have found good memories of your wife. Can you share any of them with us?
Karyl
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Re: Hunk and Jason

Postby Jason » Sun May 03, 2015 2:02 pm

Huntk94,
I never dealt with anger issues in my greif, we all face it in our own way. My sister was very angry toward Rebecca until I talked with her about why I could not be angry with her. I know she is a peace, just as I know your mom is at peace too. After Rebecca I searched for answers. What I found brought some comfort to me. Most who purposely seek suicide are not in their rational mind around 95+ percent (dont quote me on that, it seemed like it was closer to 98%). During the minutes to hours they are ill, whether it be an episode that regularly happens or if its a one time psychotic snap, they are not in their right mind. Another thing that bugged me was if suicide was a sin. Being sick is not a sin, therefore a result of being sick can not be a sin.
You have people who care for you and about you, we can do this together.

Jason, I am glad that you have found good memories of your wife. Can you share any of them with us?


Karyl,
I can tell you Rebecca collected things. I have a supply of colorful pens to last a lifetime. Growing up I hated taking care of plants, now I have quite a good number that she collected and even planted a purple catalpa tree in memory of her. She loved animals so much, and I know it can sound gross but she loved kissing their noses.
Sometimes its a smell or a color or even a design she would have liked that triggers a memory.
Something more resently I found while shopping was that she had a good sense about using good quality items and now I stop to think if she would purchase something new in the store. This has resulted in me trying out some good shampoos, cleaning supplies, and even clothes.
But the biggest ones are the ways she would do, think, and talk about things.
In these ways I know she lives on through myself, her mom, her sisters, and others who were part of her life. We are the survivors, and it is a stuggle at times. But there is help, support, love, and hope.
Jason
July 1986 - Oct 2011. Whispering nightly. "Rebecca, I love you. I forgive you. I miss you. I will hold you again."
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Jason, about Rebecca

Postby Karyl » Sun May 03, 2015 8:35 pm

Jason,

Thank you for telling us some of your Rebecca memories. It sounds as if you have found a way to keep the connection to her alive, to make sure she is integrated into your life in positive ways.

I laughed about Rebecca kissing noses of animals she loved. She obviously was a person who loved unconditionally. :-)

How long has it been since Rebecca took her life? How long were you married or together?
Karyl
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Re: Its getting harder :(

Postby Jason » Sun May 03, 2015 11:58 pm

How long has it been since Rebecca took her life? How long were you married or together?

Karyl,

Rebecca took her life about 3 and a half years ago on Oct 27, 2011. We had been married for 3 years 10 months and lived together for almost 7 years. She was the center to my life. Rebecca is still a part of it, but God and Jesus are now the core of my life. Rebecca actually was the one that gave me and encouraged me to get to know them. She also motivated me by what she did to get to know them better and I look forward to seeing her again some day. :D

What about you Karyl? Whom do you share the life of that was lost?
July 1986 - Oct 2011. Whispering nightly. "Rebecca, I love you. I forgive you. I miss you. I will hold you again."
Jason
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Re: Its getting harder :(

Postby Karyl » Mon May 04, 2015 10:37 pm

Jason,

My daughter, Arlyn, took her life on August 7, 1996. Arlyn was 18 years old. The world I knew ended that day, and her death slammed me in a new direction, but I've found positive ways to honor Arlyn's life and come to feel peace.

You are still just three years along, but it sounds as if you have a good sense of yourself and your direction at this time. Please continue to share here.
Karyl
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Re: Its getting harder :(

Postby Jason » Sun May 10, 2015 3:09 pm

Karyl, I am glad you are here as well. It must have been difficult before this site was around, it helps each of us. I am happy because you are here for us on this new path through life. Together we all can find some comfort. =)
July 1986 - Oct 2011. Whispering nightly. "Rebecca, I love you. I forgive you. I miss you. I will hold you again."
Jason
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