I miss my mum so much

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

I miss my mum so much

Postby waterfern » Wed Feb 25, 2015 11:58 pm

My mum was my first best friend, it's hard to imagine my life without her in it.

She took her life in November 2014. My brother and I found her when we went to visit her. The horror and shock, I can't even express.

I feel guilty at times, like anyone who loses someone to suicide. I tried to help her to seek proper help and make healthier choices in life, especially in her later years. She was only 54, I'm 28. I feel guilty because I didn't visit her sooner. She was having an anxious and depressive episode and wanted to see me. I offered to visit her with the company of a friend because I felt too nervous to go alone, but she said she would feel embarrassed if I brought a friend. I didn't fear for my safety, it's just that I looked after her many times when I was younger through her rough patches and it just built up an anxiety of my own, to see her in such a bad state. I also suffer from my own mental health issues, so that doesn't help.

My brother and I had organised to see her a couple of days later (her sisters had been visiting her) and so that's when we found her. I wish I could have just put my crap aside and been there for her properly. She never said she wanted to end her life (I asked her) just that she was feeling tired of her situation and explained different changes she was going to make. I wish I had just gone to her and cooked her some nice food, helped her feel loved, painted her nails or something relaxing, watched some movies with her, given her hugs. I know all these thing seem trivial for someone who has serious mental health issues.....but I just wonder if it could have just seen her through that dark moment.

I hate to think about how she felt at the time, whether she felt she wasn't enough. How lonely she must have felt. It breaks my heart.

The biggest thing I feel now is pure sadness. I just miss her so, so much. I accept that she's gone, but it's still confusing and difficult to comprehend that she is truly gone forever.

I miss the sound of her laugh, how petite she was but that she gave the best and biggest hugs, I miss being able to look in to her blue sparkly eyes, I hate that all of her creativity and uniqueness is completely gone.

I'm quite spiritual and like to believe in an after life, that our spirits continue on. I hope to heal my trauma and gain the ability to contact her spirit somehow, but worry that this is me holding on to her and not letting go.

I don't know what else to say, other than that I feel incredibly depressed today. I miss her so much. But please know that I look after myself and understand that these feelings come and go. Thank you in advance, sending you all love through these horrible times.
waterfern
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Re: I miss my mum so much

Postby Blossom » Tue Mar 03, 2015 6:58 am

I'm so sorry for your loss. To have such a loving daughter - your mum must have been very special. She still is. Gone is not gone, is it? I am sure you are caring for her right now. The heart and head are out of sync for a while - I drifted in and out of reality for a while. That's normal.

Take care of you too, on this journey. Some people find counselling or journalling or joining a suicide bereavement group is helpful. It's a bit tricky to know what is a good thing and when.

There are some terrible days - it is normal to have these days (from my memory of 5 years ago, it was every day), but I promise that there will come a whole minute when you are not in active grieving. I remember feeling such a lightness, a relief. There will me more minutes, and they will grow longer. For now, as hard as it is, I promise you will survive.
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
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