I was 5

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

I was 5

Postby missmeliss » Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:37 pm

I am 25 years old and when I was 5 I lost my father to suicide. I've grown up knowing this my entire life but the older I get the more heavily it weighs on me. Recently the grief has gotten worst and I feel like the only way to vent is to talk about it instead of bottling it up in my mind so I found this site. Here's my story: My father was in his late 30's he had 3 young daughters ages 4,5, and 6. My mother and him both suffered from drug addiction and because of this addiction he was also very paranoid. Most of the memories I have are of traumatic domestic abuse and paranoia. He was in and out of jail a lot for all kinds of reasons but on this particular occasion he was arrested and put on suicide watch and even though he was supposed to be being watched, he was not, and he was successful in killing himself. I think there's many things that I don't understand about the situation. I don't know what state of mind he was in, I don't know why he chose to do this, I don't know why he thought leaving us would be good for us. I wish I would of been older so I could of talked to him, helped him somehow but I couldn't. The thing that bothers me most is that of course I miss him, but its more then that.... I miss all the things that we'll never have... He didn't get to see me graduate high school, didn't teach me how to drive, can't meet my boyfriend of 7 years, wont walk me down the aisle, and he wont ever see his grandchildren. I'm mad because I don't know if he thought about these things, I don't think he knew what effect this would have on my life. He gave up on himself and by giving up on himself he gave up ME. In his mind it was ok to leave all this behind, all theses moments we could have had together. I feel like a part of me is missing, that this life I have might not have ever meant to be mine. Suicide is not like dying from a disease or and accident or even murder... it is not part of the grand design.. The life I was supposed to have was stolen from me, and I'll never know what its like to have a father, I'll never know the person I could of been or should of been with him still here. I'm envious that so many of you had so much time with your parents, that you have lots of memories and that they were able to help shape the person that you've become because I'll never have that.
missmeliss
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Re: I was 5

Postby Hurt » Sun Jan 04, 2015 3:48 pm

You know it's hard to tell what was going on with him other than he was in a very dark place and saw no way out. I'm sorry you missed those father/daughter moments but you or someone stepped up to fill that void. Sounds like you have become a wise young woman with a true understanding of what it means to be there for your family. I'm sure he is very proud of the woman you became despite his action. Find some way to deal with these emotions and don't let them consume you. Life the gift of life to the fullest.
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