23 days

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

23 days

Postby Hawk » Thu Sep 11, 2014 12:05 am

Its been 23 days as of this writing since my mom took her life. Every day I find myself struggling basically to hold together my own sanity. I feel like my life is slowly falling apart and am contemplating moving out of state to escape the memories. Many are good memories which is where I feel the same thing every day. She seemed so happy. Why? Why would she kill herself? It makes no sense. Every day I wait for a phone call from her with some snarky remark. even though I know deep down that call will never come. Latley I find myself more annoyed at every little thing. I hope this passes quickly right now all I want to do is get on with my life.



Her story is currently under (newly bereaved) Lost my mom august 18 2014
Last edited by Hawk on Fri Oct 17, 2014 10:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.”
Hawk
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Re: venting

Postby Rainbows » Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:08 am

Hawk,
I remember those days... where I was BEGGING for the pain and confusion about the whole situation to STOP! I felt so panicky inside like I wanted to run or scream or hide somewhere where these thoughts and feelings wouldn't find me.

Since then, I've come to realize there is no getting away from it. BUT, on a brighter note, the pain (for me) is not as bad as it was in the beginning (2 yrs in). It's there.... oh frig is it ever still there... but somehow I'm moving through it step by step.

I believe you too will reach a point where it becomes... "bearable"? I promise. I don't think it's because you accept what's happened, or because all of a sudden you become ok with it (never going to be ok). I honestly think it's some sort of safety mechanism in the brain that kicks in to allow us to live while the pain is numbed in the back round. Or perhaps that's just how my brain helped me...

Either way.... Sending you love and some peace during these terrible times, my friend.

Remember to enjoy those little nano seconds of peace that wash over you. They were and still are a life saver for me!!! (((( <3 ))))
I miss the way your eyes and stars align
I miss the thoughts that design and build your mind
I miss the way you hold me close like vines
I miss you all the time - USS
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Re: 23 days

Postby Hawk » Wed Oct 01, 2014 8:50 am

Well my life is slowly coming back together I think... I have begun to come to terms with the fact that she is just not coming back which seems to be allowing me to heal.
“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.”
Hawk
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Re: 23 days

Postby Hurt » Fri Oct 03, 2014 6:14 pm

Hello Hawk, so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to not have that parent around that has been there for us all our lives. I miss my father so much. In the early days I felt the same way you are feeling. Counseling helped, some meds from the doctor helped, but I think more than anything it's something only time and our desire to work through will get us past all this. So if you feel like counseling or medication may help you get over this hump give it try. There's no need to suffer more if you have to. But if you feel okay without these things that's okay to. Suicide shatters our lives and it's hard to collect and arrange those pieces to where things make sense. Take good care of yourself.
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Re: 23 days

Postby Jay » Sun Oct 05, 2014 9:12 am

Hello Hawk,

I feel we might be able to help each other as I've experienced the death of my father 2 months ago. I still feel incredibly vulnerable, but I have to admit in my case, things change SO much from one day to the next, or one week to the next.
About 2 weeks ago I sort of got out of that, I can't believe it, he's not really gone vibe.. and that has set place for a lot of crying.. which is a huge relief.. I felt so weird for the first month just crying so little at the whole thing (I've lost my father, but my parents made a suicide pact; my mother survived.) But it's just the events are such a weight on your shoulders.. that your brain numbs you and gives you no more than you can handle every day.

I am seeing a counselor every 2 weeks, and I find that just reading about the different grieving steps is a bit comforting (in knowing you are not so alone in the way you feel right now).

I hope you're surrounded that amazing people, as I have been, seriously; I want to marry all my friends, they've been sooo supportive and present throughout all this.
Life as you know it will never be the same, and I feel right now like it's not something you get over, it's something you learn to live with.
We'll make it!
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Re: 23 days

Postby Hurt » Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:05 am

Hello Jay, so sorry for your loss, glad your mom survived. Can't imagine what it would be like to not have at least one parent. I know that day is coming, it's going to be very hard. I wish you strength my friend. The first year, with many first events without them, is very hard. There are good days and bad days and putting up the "I'm okay" face is exhausting. Just know there are others out here that are in the same boat and we need each others support. Thanks for posting to Hawk and sharing your story. I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you are.
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Re: 23 days

Postby Hawk » Sun Oct 12, 2014 8:07 pm

Hello Jay. About 2 months in for me and im doing ok. I find it difficult to accept still. She seemed happy and joking one day and gone the next. There are few people i can talk about this with. Thank you for the kind words. I am sorry for your loss
“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.”
Hawk
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Re: 23 days

Postby Jay » Sun Nov 02, 2014 5:36 pm

Hey Hawk,

I read you're getting out of the numbing phase.. like you say it helps you heal.. I feel the same, it's hard to feel like crying everytime I see something touching.. (went to pick up friends at the airport yesterday..) but yeah, understanding the death is important I guess, denial made me feel a little like a robot, I don't know about you?!

I think suicide is in many cases, a thought that has been wandering through someones mind, but you can sort of see signs that something might of happened all of a sudden to make that loved one do the final act. I was looking through my parents camera and saw pics 5 days before they did it, my dad was smiling renovating stuff outside the house.. which ended up being something he didn't even finish.. at the house there was even laundry in the dryer and masking tape in the stairs as if they were going to paint.. it's so eerie.. as if the just popped a fuse in their brain and acted very quickly! :(

This realisation has makes me very sad, in wondering if something could of happened in the day that would of changed their decision.. but there is no going back, so lingering on this question is not a good idea for me.
I hope you are finding at least small moments of joy where you are able to think about other things, I have noticed that in the past 1-2 weeks, my moments of 'being distracted' have grown longer.. sometimes I'll like watch hockey and at the end of the game I'll feel like I didn't think about it the whole game.. it feels weird.. sort of feel guilty... but than I remind myself that it's good to think about other things, and take a grieving break. I really hope you do have those moments!! I'm sorry for your loss and send you a big hug full of compassion.

Jay
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