I want my daddy.

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

I want my daddy.

Postby Beth » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:43 pm

Right so here goes, I'm not good at this sort of thing but a I know right now is I'm hurting. It's silly, I'm only fifteen and I've just had a horrible argument with a ex boyfriend. 'Your ugly' 'your a slag' 'your a horrible person' 'I was only in it for the shag' all statements of rejection, reasons for why we're no longer together. Rejection that's what I feel. I was six months old when my father walked out the door, the day he never came back. I didn't 'know' him no. To me he's practically a stranger but I long for him - miss him never the less. He was my father, my dad, my pa, my daddy but no he was a stranger that rejected me when I was just a baby and I fucking want my daddy for just one time. My niece banged her leg the other day, her lip trembled and the tears fell "I want my daddy she cried" and he came and sweeps her into his arms and just held her, his little girl, his little princess. I've never had a daddy to be their little girl and I want it for gods sake and I'm never gonna have one. Not when I was little and cracked my head open, not on the day of my prom to tell me he's proud, not on my wedding day to walk me down the aisle and not right now while I'm sat here hurting longing for my father because of a silly teenage argument with patchetic insults. I don't talk about the hurt much - unless I'm drunk, then I scream and cry everythig out, it's like I'm a child throwing a tantrum then, I seem delusional, no one can help me. I can't explain the hurt although I'm sure you all know, the one that kicks in the pit of your sthomic, the one that stings with every beat of your heart, steals every breath replacing it with pools of tears. You see the truth is, stuck inside me is a little girl, she's lost and vulnerable, she tortures me screaming into the void for answers as to why, trying to hate yet love my father all at the same time. She thrusts these thoughts upon me, capatavating my body into a numb state of tears, she makes me do things to my self, she blames us for what he did. She says it's our fault, if only we'd never been born.. She makes me a different person, I don't have the glint in my eyes of a noal fifteen year old girl, I have no hope, no trust, no love. She makes me hurt myself too, cuts, burns, head banging, we like to call it coping but no one understands. I am not the girl I want to be, I'm very good at this act, the happy one, I am the girl who smiles, the ones who jokes, the one who's game for anything, the good shag but never the sweet girl, the girl who will make a wonderful wife, I am just the girl with the broken smile and the fucked head, that's who I am.
Beth
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Re: I want my daddy.

Postby Karyl » Sat Aug 09, 2014 9:54 pm

Beth,

I'm sorry your dad is gone. I'm sorry you have been hurt so much in your young life.

Do you have any contact with your dad's family? I am wondering if connecting with his family might help you feel a better connection with him.

Do you have anyone you can count on, your mother, grandmother, other relatives?
Karyl
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