2 month ago, I lost my beautiful Mom to Suicide

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

2 month ago, I lost my beautiful Mom to Suicide

Postby Bella1970 » Mon Mar 31, 2014 11:28 am

I lost my dearest mom to suicide two month ago. My mom was such a beautiful person, inside and out! She was so healthy that she never ever had to be hospitalized for any sickness. She was a registered nurse who knew how to take care of her health and gives us advise us over our health. I had confidence in her that she would be ok, continuing healthy and happy….never seen any change in her behavior or have not seen any depression. Well the big shock came just two month ago, when my sister found my mom cold & lifeless in her house on the day that no one was at home. I am still having the hardest time to accept that this is happening. It has been the worst nightmare since then. Just about two month before she died, my mom complained lightly that the government or someone people were after her to prosecute her for some mistakes she did. Knowing of growing up and at my adult life, I know mom having paranoid personality (overly cautious of everything comes her way). She also loved politics, news or as a topic for conversation. So we thought nothing of serious issues with her. She never showed us serious worries of her thoughts/believes and never alarmed us that she actually is in trouble with her mental thinking. After her complain, we tried to find out if she felt depressed, but her answer was no. To make my story short, now after her passing away, we leant that my mom was mentally ill and was going through psychosis with delusion and hallucination that made her take her life. It breaks me into pieces that I never got a change to care for her illness, to be there for her to get her medical help. The day she died, she left us a note for each of her children, telling us how much she loves us, thanking us for the things we did for her. We all wished we got another chance to tell her that we are the ones who owe her a lot, to thank her a lot for making us who we are today. She also left us a note detailing the reasons for her decision to end her life, that scared her and was real for her …… which was unreal and stuff never happened in reality. Was she hiding all these for years? Or is this what happened in her last 6 month of her life? I am so confused!! I am so broken up into pieces that she will not be with me anymore, can’t see her beautiful smiley face and can’t talk to her, can’t call her. Painful!!! I miss her love, her smile, her kindness, her everything. She was my world. She was my biggest fan. She would have turned 64 next month. My tears seem non-stop and forever will wet my face. Mom, I will never forgive myself for not understanding your pain, not sharing your suffering… I was just too misunderstanding what was going on with you. Mom Love you and miss you so much, and everyday crying since that awful day
Bella1970
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Re: 2 month ago, I lost my beautiful Mom to Suicide

Postby Berna » Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:33 am

I'm so incredibly sorry that you lost your Mom, my heart goes out to you. I lost my son almost 8 months ago, it's still hard to believe I'll never see his face. The only thing I can say is to take care of yourself, the road will be long, I don,t know what the answer is. I seriously think that when someone commits suicide they have no idea what they are doing to the people they leave behind, it's something they do in that moment without thinking, an outer body experience, at a certain moment they want to stop, but it's too late. A lot of times ..the person is too embarrassed to ask for help, that people may think their crazy or weak. I think God wanted your Mom to come home to him ( I tell myself that when I'm sad) I forever will ask why..look at happy pictures, think happy thoughts, don,t think about how she died but how she lived. Let yourself cry, talk about her every day. It,s hard for people who haven't been through this to understand, just know she loved you.
You are in my prayers, if you ever need to talk you can PM me, or post again and I will reply. There is no cure for your loss, but with time you,ll find forgiveness.
Love and Light,
B
Berna
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Re: 2 month ago, I lost my beautiful Mom to Suicide

Postby Bella1970 » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:55 pm

Thank you Berna! So Sorry about your Son. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. You are so right, those who does not go through this will never understand the painfulness of it. It is one of the worst experience of my life. I wish I have friends around who I can vent out, but it happen to be that we want to keep the cause of my mother's death to be not public. Only her children know that she took her life. It is so hard to tell ppl this....we are so worried about the stigma that comes with it. We are just not ready for another pain to gain from outsiders. I and one of my sister talk about mom a lot, her good memories and also the details of her death. My brother and my other sister do not want to talk about her. I guess every one has different ways of dealing with grief. I also went to the local support group a week ago and I vented a bit there. It helped me so much to do so. ....anyway pls IM me, I tried but I guess I didnt do it right. Thanks much for replying to my post.
Bella1970
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Re: 2 month ago, I lost my beautiful Mom to Suicide

Postby Berna » Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:36 pm

Hi Bella,
When I first got on this site it wad hard when no one responded, I'm guessing allot of people read what people say, not knowing what to say yet, no one wants to be in this club, but unfortunately it's more common than I ever imagined.
I'm not sure how you reply for sure, I think you click on my name and add me as a friend then my e-mail pops up ( I think don,t quote me, but if anyone knows, please share) I really don,t have anything to hide, but I understand if some things want to be said privately. I'm a very outspoken person, sometimes to a fault.

I'm by no means an expert, from my experience everyone deals differently, I think what ever works for each person is fine, everyone is different. If you or your siblings decide to talk or share the details of your Mother's death it is your choice, no one knows your pain but you or people here. My experience is some days are good and others bad, I don,r know if it,ll be forever... I don,t believe some people know it's going to happen, if you did you would've stopped it as we all would, never blame yourself, and tell your siblings the same . None of you want to ever get to a place where your so sad that this could happen to any of you, talk to each other, if someone doesn't want to talk, hug, be together..Sunday lunch or dinner, call each other every day, not just now because it,s fresh, keep it going, if not every day, every other, pop in uninvited foe a visit, bring coffee.

I noticed there were sooo many people after the event, the phone wouldn't ringing! Then as time passed the phone stopped ringing slowly, friends that would only text( never actually spoke to me on phone) stopped. They will say " if you need something let me know" ...are we going to call them and say...hey will you listen? They should ask , but people don,t know what to say...they really don,t. I think if they only said " hey how are you feeling" , that would be fine. You will learn that you can,t control what people say or do. Don,t let what other people do control your thoughts, the road will be hard, but somehow you have to do whatever it is to go on. I don,t know what that is, but if I find out...I will share, I promise. Somehow be there for each other, bond like glue, just forever know she loved you all very much! She was just tired, I know she is sitting with God. I think everyone of these kids, Mother's, Father's, friends, every single one of these beloved souls took a one way ticket to heave. On all our bad days...think about that, it's the only thing that gets me through some days.

If you ever need to get anything off your shoulders, try and get on here or find a sibling. I will always pray for everyone here , do whatever you need to do to find peace safely.

Lots of Love and Light,
B
Berna
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