while reading, I wondered if having these dreams is a way of avoiding his own self blame. and by taking it all on yourself, there's probably not much room for your anger, which might be being projected back at you through him- kind of a circular or mirror trap. I don't know if any of this makes sense, or if you can relate to it, these are just the thoughts that came to me, and please take them or leave them as you like.
The other thought, and again, please take or leave as you see fit- but the other thought is that a way out of this is compassion, if you can begin to look for it, both for yourself and him. Perhaps you can stop calling your 25 year old self stupid, and realize that she was just young, and so was he, and you and she and he are all deserving of all the kindness and sweet care you can find in your heart, after all this pain you've suffered.
I think we survivors truly wear ruts of pain into our brains, and kindness for ourselves and those we survive- in equal measure, is the only way to begin to smooth them.
please take care,
It makes perfect sense. Sometimes I wonder when this roller coaster will end though. Sometimes I'm angry at myself, sometimes I'm angry at him. Sometimes I'm weaker then others and that's when everything seeps into all parts of my life to the point where I can't even rest easy. But I understand this type of death is so complex for so many people and cannot be easily dealt with.
I try everyday to be a better person for myself and others and for my compassion to grow. I guess I need to work a little harder to have compassion for myself and that may take a very long time.
Thank you for your thoughtful words.