The feelings....Ugggh they all suck! Its been 3 weeks and 1 day. We fought. He threw me around, and it had been happening more and more during arguments. Bobby was confident and happy. He wasn't drinking as much. He liked to party. I did too. But a single mom of girls, working and I wasn't around on weekends really because of my job and kids. So after 6 months dating, I moved out of my home of 7 years, and we found a very cute house on an acre of property.
The 1st time he hit me, he tried shooting himself in front of me. But the gun jammed. That was a week before my birthday, on February 29th. We all thought he was okay. It was bobby after all. Yeah things have been hard but theyve also been worse and he was so happy. He loved me and the girls and our life. Or I though he did. We had an awesome day. Took the kids to the lake, watched movies, we snuggled. And then he snapped. We were drinking (been sober since).
We beat each other up and he took the same .45 to his truck, and shot himself in the head. I heard no gun shot. No dogs barking. I went outside to get my cigarettes from my jeep and seen his truck. I thought he had left. He looked asleep. He didn't bother to lock the door...He wanted me to find him. I can't escape the feeling that he was punishing me. After his 1st attempt and the things he had said to me. It's bull crap. His family hates me. But I pray they find peace someday. He had mentioned suicidal tendencies to them before I was even in the picture.
How do I sort out these feelings. I miss him. Our adventures on his harley to the beach for picnics, and our lazy days. Gardening and laughing. Teasing each other. Cooking competitions lol. I miss waking up to him. Coming home to him. I refused to stay in our home alone, and haven't spent a night there since. I actually moved out and my landlord was kind enough to refund our deposit to me, 3 months into our 1 year lease.
I'm sad. Heart broken. Angry at him for putting us all in this position. And I love him so much that I'm angry at myself. I feel the guilt. All of the "what ifs" and "why's".
At times I feel hope. But for the most part, I feel empty inside. Dead too almost. And it sucks!
It's not me. It's not who I am. When do I start feeling good about myself and my future again.
I went back to work a week and a half after Bobby died. It's the only place I feel a little like my old self. And I really liked who I am. I'm clever and witty, kind, helpful and motivate those around me. I'm also defensive, and insecure when it came to other women, and I can be argumentative at times. But I always had forgiven.
I don't see many of these qualities in me anymore.
I hardly wear my hair down or put make up on anymore unless I have to work. Even there I get sad. I hear a harley and look at the front doors. Then I remember he wont ever surprise me at work again. He won't ever sit in my section and tease other servers. No more text messages or comments on my Facebook. No more pics that he posts of us or the girls.
Please someone help me. How did you find ways to cope. Do I avoid triggers, or do I conquer them? Is it to soon? Will I ever be empathetic, sympathetic or just nice to people again?
I don't want to lose the me that I loved because I lost the man that I loved....