You mentioned that it's been over five years. Can you see light at the end of the tunnel now? How have you changed because of his suicide?
Your dreams - are they helping you process what happened?
I see light for sure. I'm alive, which is a miracle as far as I'm concerned, so that in itself is light. But because of the constant challenges throughout the past five years, it still feels like I'm struggling to get my life to a point that feels normal again.
I've changed in so many ways. I would say I'm a lot more sympathetic to others, less judgemental, less anal about how to go about life, I'm no longer religious, but ironically feel much more spiritual. I'm stronger, yet much more fragile. It feels good to know parts of me are better than they were before, but I struggle with extreme anxiety about what could go wrong next.
My dreams are more draining than anything. They hurt a lot, but I don't think they help me process anything. I feel like they set me back on the progress I'm always trying to make.
It's a constant uneasy feeling.