One regretful day

Especially for those who have lost husbands, wifes, boyfriends, girlfriends, or partners to suicide.

One regretful day

Postby ketaa » Tue Mar 08, 2016 9:01 am

I am a foreign worker here. I met a guy, cody, who was really eager to know me. He gave his number last November 2014 I didn't try to contact him but one night January 2015 in my work he showed up talked to me and ask to go out with him. This time he personally asked my number. He looks like a good young man he has a good job at pizza store .  i have given him lots of excuse just not to go out with him. He tried to visit the house where I used to stay that time I saw his sincerity so I gave him a chance to know me and me to know him as well..we talked about our lives. He lost his mom almost 1 year already that time when we were dating. He was really saddened whenever he mentioned about her. We were both happy together. He showed me great places here at PG. he is a very good young man. He's 20 but he thinks like my age. I'm 24 that time. In the short time that we were together over a month I felt his love for me. He cares for me a lot. He never wanted me to walk alone going to work. He fetches me and drive me to work. And he wakes up early in the morning to fetch me again after my work. We sleep together. Dream together. He promised a lot he promised to marry me. He introduced me to his sister and auntie. We often have lunch or supper altogether every Sunday. My family talks to him on phone. I cooked for him as possible as I can. He loved every meal i offered. He was so proud to introduced me to his friends and talked about me. But there was just one day i felt like he is hiding something. I've tried to read his txt messages on phone but I didn't see anything bad. I failed to read all the messages tho. He started to get sad I noticed but I'm always trying to cheer him up. He gave me his only cash one night before he drop me off to work. He asked me to keep it.. He bought me a big stuff toy he said for me to hug whenever I miss him. He was crying that night. I totally thought he was still grieving losing his mom, she died from cancer, that night I phoned him I made sure he was home safe. Day after that we went out after I slept a bit. I worked again that night. On my break he was talking about when he died he's going to be my guardian angel. I get used to him saying that. I trust him so much and his promises. I know he is happy with me so ive never ever thought his going to do anything to hurt me. He promised that he will marry me and we have lots of plans for ourlives. The next day after that march 5 2015 when I got off to work at 6am i was planning to visit him by surprise at his house. But i was so tired I felt asleep. I woke up all of a sudden 12:35 at noon. A number was calling me. I didn't answer yet, I prayed and read my bible for one hour. When I finished I recalled my voicemail. Kayla left one, codys sister she sounded so panicking. I phoned her right away. She was asking me to go to Cody's house that they need me there, she was crying so hard. She said Cody texted her a suicidal message that he is going to jump off the bridge that he was suffering from depression for a long time. Cody texted her at 12:25. 5mins after that she couldn't reach him anymore. I didn't believe on her, I know it was a just a set up. It's impossible. He loved me so much. I phoned Cody he was out of reach, I phoned him another time and it was the same, the third time my eyes were suddenly filled with tears. My last txt from him was about he love me so much with all his heart. When I arrived at his house cops were there checked our messages from Cody, ask a bit. Then came another cop they received a phone call from a witness who saw a man jumped off the bridge same description as him. That night I was crying the whole night, the night after that the night after that and night after that. I couldn't go to work or eat or do anything I wanted to see him I miss him and I knew this is just a nightmare.. I will see him still.. The cops continue to search for him. I quit graveyards I couldn't stand the quietness anymore.i worked mornings since then. we prayed for the closure everyone that loves him..friends loved ones.. They saw his body last may 22 2015 for almost 2months we were hanging and hoping.. Then It was over.. Until now it makes me shed in tears whenever I remember.. I'm tired of thinking, of blaming myself for being stupid.. For not visiting him that day for chosing to rest. I have no light. Everyday I'm praying that God will take away this pain. A struggle everyday.. It's hard to grieve away from your family and being a stranger at this land. I feel so alone. I go out with friends but I always caught myself thingking about it. I wanna escape from this.. I wanna be myself again. But I miss him so was a fairy tale for a short time but I woke up then it became a nightmare..I've seen his friends best friends buddies teacher family how they had their hearts broke. He is such an amazing person he touched my heart easily. I still can't believe that he is gone. That I won't see him anymore.. I'll grow older and older everyday wondering where is he. I wanted to hear his voice for the last time to hug him and say goodbye but the fact that it won't happen anymore breaks my heart..I love him so much and I'm not ready for this I wasn't prepared for this and it never came up in my mind that this will happen ever in my life. Oh the most painful I ever felt in my entire life. I still cry everyday such a heartache everyday for a year now sometimes I feel like giving up some mornings are so dark and sad..
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