I not quite sure how to start here...
In summer 2013 i've met Rieke.
A 16 year old, heavy metal, rebellion girl.
We started to hang out, spending days together and became a couple. Not only a couple but also best friends.
I realized that withing only months, she became the most important and unbelievable self-sacrificing person in my life.
We shared everything, places, books, food, money, feelings, dreams, even clothes.
But since i knew her, she suffered from great depressions and sometimes even self-harm.
But the longer we where together, she seemed to recover from that.
She always told me that i make her happy so i guessed it was no longer a topic.
Jump forward to June 10th 2015.
We met in the city about to go to the lake like almoust everyday in summer.
A small musicbox, a case of beer and a couple of friends hanging out in the sun.
At some point around sunset i got into an arguing with a friend, got up and left.
My girl followed me and asked if theres something she could do for me to calm down.
But if i am angry i want and need to be by myself.
So i walked downtown to Dannys Bar to talk to Dannys Mom (she's working there as a barkeeper and will always listen to you if something is going on).
But not even she was able to calm me down.
I grabbed a sixpack and walked home.
At home i drank and got lost in thoughts.
Later that night questioned my life and wrote to my girl if its even worth living for.
Then a fell asleep.
June 11th 2015
I woke up from my doorbell, my girlfriend was ringing madly.
It was because at the time she read my message, she kinda paniked that i could do something harmfull to myself.
Still angry and little bit hungover i yelled at her to leave me alone and that i never wanna see her again.
30 minutes later i received a message from her cellphone, saying: "Don't worry, you will never see me again. Thanks for every moment with you. It was awesome. i'm very sorry. I love you. Bye"
I just thought she was about to break up. So my plan was to wait a couple of days until we ready to talk it out.
The following part tuc me over a month to figure out.
I got her message at 6:52am.
at 7am she arrived at a small trainstation in my township.
and around 7:30am she walked on the tracks about half a mile from the station and let herself hit by a train.
She died immediately.
It tuc 10 days until i found out of her passing. (in the meantime i just thought she's angry with my and ignores my calls).
When i saw the obituary i couldnt believe it. i checked the dates and the soon as i realized that she passed away on the day of our fight, i knew it was suicide.
My heart stopped beating and i blacked out.
I screamed and yelled that it must be an awfull joke, that it is impossible that she's dead.
I couldnt eat or sleep for 3 days.
Then at one pont it occured to me that the most important person in my life is gone forever.
That i will never see her smile, hear her voice or feel her heartbeat again.
She died at the age of 18, was cremated and buried on July 2th 2015 under a tree in her hometown.
All that is now almoust 6 months ago and the pain still lasts.
I blame myself for all this. For the fact that i didn't care enough about her.
Here i am now, still no idea how to handle this.
So this is our story...