In summer 2013 i've met Rieke.
A 16 year old, heavy metal, rebellion girl.
We started to hang out, spending days together and became a couple. Not only a couple but also best friends.
I realized that withing only months, she became the most important and unbelievable self-sacrificing person in my life.
We shared everything, places, books, food, money, feelings, dreams, even clothes.
But since i knew her, she suffered from great depressions and sometimes even self-harm.
But the longer we where together, she seemed to recover from that.
She always told me that i make her happy so i guessed it was no longer a topic.
Jump forward to June 10th 2015.
We met in the city about to go to the lake like almoust everyday in summer.
A small musicbox, a case of beer and a couple of friends hanging out in the sun.
At some point around sunset i got into an arguing with a friend, got up and left.
My girl followed me and asked if theres something she could do for me to calm down.
But if i am angry i want and need to be by myself.
So i walked downtown to Dannys Bar to talk to Dannys Mom (she's working there as a barkeeper and will always listen to you if something is going on).
But not even she was able to calm me down.
I grabbed a sixpack and walked home.
At home i drank and got lost in thoughts.
Later that night questioned my life and wrote to my girl if its even worth living for.
Then a fell asleep.
June 11th 2015
I woke up from my doorbell, my girlfriend was ringing madly.
It was because at the time she read my message, she kinda paniked that i could do something harmfull to myself.
Still angry and little bit hungover i yelled at her to leave me alone and that i never wanna see her again.
30 minutes later i received a message from her cellphone, saying: "Don't worry, you will never see me again. Thanks for every moment with you. It was awesome. i'm very sorry. I love you. Bye"
I just thought she was about to break up. So my plan was to wait a couple of days until we ready to talk it out.
The following part tuc me over a month to figure out.
I got her message at 6:52am.
at 7am she arrived at a small trainstation in my township.
and around 7:30am she walked on the tracks about half a mile from the station and let herself hit by a train.
She died immediately.
It tuc 10 days until i found out of her passing. (in the meantime i just thought she's angry with my and ignores my calls).
When i saw the obituary i couldnt believe it. i checked the dates and the soon as i realized that she passed away on the day of our fight, i knew it was suicide.
My heart stopped beating and i blacked out.
I screamed and yelled that it must be an awfull joke, that it is impossible that she's dead.
I couldnt eat or sleep for 3 days.
Then at one pont it occured to me that the most important person in my life is gone forever.
That i will never see her smile, hear her voice or feel her heartbeat again.
She died at the age of 18, was cremated and buried on July 2th 2015 under a tree in her hometown.
All that is now almoust 6 months ago and the pain still lasts.
I blame myself for all this. For the fact that i didn't care enough about her.
Here i am now, still no idea how to handle this.
So this is our story...
I am so sorry you are dealing with the loss of your girl. I know this is hard and unbearable and it will take you a while to think straight again, but please do not blame yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but you have to know that fights don't cause suicide. People fight all the time and things like this don't happen. Be gentle with yourself and realize the dynamics are a lot more complex than thinking a fight could cause this.
I'm sending good thoughts your way