Wondering if it's too soon...

Especially for those who have lost husbands, wifes, boyfriends, girlfriends, or partners to suicide.

Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby Scripswife » Tue Sep 17, 2013 12:01 am

Hello, everyone. It's been around 18 months since I was last on the forum. 8/20 was the four year anniversary of my husband's passing. In some ways, it seems like yesterday. In others, it seems like it's been an eternity. About three months ago, I met and started "seeing" someone for the first time since he passed. I explained to this new person my situation. I'm a widow with a young child and I wasn't at all looking to enter into a relationship, but we seemed to have a connection and a lot of similar interests, so we agreed to take things slowly, be honest with each other about where we were and where (if anywhere) we saw it going, and just let it be. He is very understanding, kind and very gracious about the whole thing, but is also very interested in making our situation more physical, though he's said he will defer to me as far as setting the pace is concerned. It's a pretty ideal situation - with one problem. I feel like I'm cheating on my husband. I know that isn't a logical or probably even healthy emotional response, but the more time I spend with this new gentleman, the worse it becomes.

Is anyone out there currently dealing with this type of situation.. or been through it and made it past? I could really use some insight. Does it mean I'm just not ready to let go? Is it normal? Should I just shoulder through? I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your time.
Till we meet again, I love you, good night.
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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby Moun10dew » Tue Sep 17, 2013 8:38 am

Only off and on. I've posted on a dating site but found my self removing it quickly. I did post on a message board about my situation..and asked for suggestions on dealing and out to expect the other person to maybe respond. I got a mix of responses...while a few were positive...most were kind of harsh and pretty much turned me more off to the idea of dating. While my time with my gf was short by most standards around here it was a lifetime to me. As far as dating and what not...it's when you feel comfortable with it. One of my fellow group members from my suicide support group said she had her first date since her husband committed suicide 2 years ago. I know that the guy that my gf was married to (although they were separated and going through the divorce thing when we started dating) is already out dating. I don't talk to him so don't have a clue as to how it's going....I just know because a friend of mine was asked out by him on a dating site...she never responded to him.
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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby RD12 » Tue Sep 17, 2013 2:46 pm

Is 4 years too soon to start dating again? I don't think there is a magic cut-off date. Although I lost my son, not my wife, I think 4 years is on the long end. If your husband truly loved you, he would want you to be happy, not lonely and miserable the rest of your life. My sister has been looking for the right guy for almost 30 years. They are hard to find once, let alone twice, in your life. I would guess that many surviving spouses wonder if they will ever find someone to love again.

If you eliminate the cheating sensation from your relationship, does everything else feel right? After 4 years, you should not feel guilty, but you still might. Are you otherwise ready to take the next step to move on? Is this guy just a player looking for some action, or does he have your interest, and more importantly your child's interest, at heart? It would most likely be positive to have a reliable step-father in your child's life, but not somebody who just wants to take advanatge of you when you are vulnerable.

4 years on you realize that you will never be the same person you were 4 years ago. Things gets better, but they will never be "normal" again. Fairy tail endings only happen in Disney films, but you should NOT feel guilty about trying to be happy, especially if it will create a better environment for your child.

From what you wrote, he seems like a good guy, but everybody has their limits. If you keep putting him off, he will eventually lose interest and you may not find somebody like him again. I think it is time to give love another chance.
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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby psyquestor » Tue Sep 17, 2013 7:25 pm

Scripswife, I did not lose my husband, but wanted to reply.

I can only imagine how you must be feeling. My gut says if you have hesitations, to listen to your inner self. When the time is right, I believe it will feel right.
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby WifeLess » Wed Sep 18, 2013 11:54 am

Scripswife,

Since shortly after my wife's suicide in August 2009, I have been a member of both this site and another for "young" widows and widowers (although few there are SOS). Although I seldom post here anymore, I am still very active on that other site, where the topic of dating comes up constantly, often in the context you raise of whether or not it is too soon. Many thousands of posts have been written about this, with a wide range of opinions. While some members feel they are ready at several months to date or even for a serious relationship, others feel they are not ready after years.

For me personally, all through my first year I thought that I would never have another romantic relationship. Although I interacted online with hundreds of members of that other website, met perhaps 50 of them in person, and befriended several dozen, mostly widows rather than widowers, I never dated any of them and thought I never would. But shortly after my one year point I met the "right" one and everything changed. We fell in love almost immediately, and thereafter spent as much time as we could together. A year later we were engaged, the following year we moved in together, and a few months ago we were married. Several dozen members of that other website attended our wedding.

With regard to the guilt you describe, which many on that other website express feeling, I once posted this about my new relationship:

"My love for her is deep and genuine, and completely without guilt with regard to my wife. As some other members here have expressed, we often feel (or at least like to think) that our departed spouses had a great deal to do with our getting together. Despite their illnesses and tragic deaths, they wanted us to have as happy a life as possible, and so found for us the perfect person to share ours with. It's a beautiful thought."

And because we were both widowed, I was able to speak these words to her during our recent wedding ceremony:

"Let us cherish fond memories from our individual pasts, as we create new and beautiful ones together from this day forward."

--- WifeLess
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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby Moun10dew » Wed Dec 18, 2013 1:58 pm

Suddenly I'm all over the place on this topic. Here's why. My girlfriend committed Suicide in February. We started in September of 2012....she had been separated from her husband since April of 2012 after finding out he had been cheating on her. They had been married 13 years. I don't know what got me to go to his page on Facebook last Friday but I did. Their daughter posted a photo of their Christmas tree and had tagged her dad and some woman with the photo..even though neither appear. I looked and saw that this woman and him are now in a serious relationship. While I'm happy for him...I wonder how soon is too soon....basically because he's already moved onto another relationship...and here I am..we hadn't dated 7 months and I still can't bring myself to date. I have people asking me if I'm dating someone new or why I'm not dating yet. I just can't bring myself to it. I tried to post on dating sites a while back but found myself removing them very quickly.

I had him as a friend on Facebook...but removed him soon after my second meeting with him. he sent me a friend request and asked why i removed him. I told him why, but re-added him...although I put him on as restrictive of privacy settings as I could so he would see next to nothing I posted. After finding out he's dating someone now I removed him again...but haven't heard a peep from him.

I don't know if I'm going to be ready to date again tomorrow or next year...or even 5-10 years down the road. I look at another woman and I think of my Kristin.
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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby erikamtz » Thu Dec 19, 2013 11:46 am

Scriptswife,

When my fiancé passed, there was no way I could have ever imagined dating again or ever being married. I was prepared to be alone forever and was determined to make sure everyone knew I WAS ALREADY TAKEN. Then as my depression increased and my desperation to distract myself from my own self-pity took over, I made a horrible mistake and started talking to someone 9 months later. This person was someone I already knew and I had hoped that because he was aware of my situation he would be gentle with me, but needless to say he ended up hurting me really bad. I can't blame him though...I knew it was wrong from the beginning, and I jumped into something for the wrong reasons.

I then was determined to be alone and to prove to myself I didn't need anyone to distract me and if I were ever to take that risk again, that I would assure it was for the right reasons and that he would be able to handle my situation. It is now going to be 3 years since my fiancé passed, and to my pleasant surprise, I am in love again. Like you, someone came along who was kind, understanding, strong and open. One day he told me, "I don't want to replace what you had, I only want to start something new." As much as I tried to push him away in the beginning because of guilt (the same kind you have), fear, and hesitance to take another risk, he continued to show me how great of a person he was. I then thought, "I don't know if I would be recognizing how great he was if my fiancé hadn't provided such a good example." I had to believe that life had blessed me twice with two amazing men, and now I am determined to be grateful and thankful, because someone good came along and I stayed for all the right reasons.

My opinion...do it if it feels right, let go of the guilt and try, try, try to live. You deserve it. You never know what may come, so recognize the blessings in front of you.

Do not hesitate to message me if you need anything at all.

-Erika
Hope to be together again...love you
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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby Rainbows » Sat Sep 06, 2014 8:38 pm

Erika,
Like you, I too started dating WAY TOO QUICKLY (in my own opinion) after losing my common-law spouse/soulmate of 5 years.

I met this new guy as an acquaintance who then made a move and became a friend and finally through his persistence we started dating only 10 months after losing my Erik. :( *deep regret*

The new "relationship" ended horrifically, as the man was not at all a "balanced individual"!!! I only came to know this when it was too late, unfortunately, and the major damage was done. I think the reason for my complete blindness to the terrible situation I was getting myself into was the fact that I was living in a complete and utter dark haze and couldn't see two feet in front of me, let alone read the signs of a crazy person! It actually ended up being an incredibly dangerous situation and almost a year after my spouse departed, had I not escaped this crazy man, I would have found myself departed as well. :( This man completely preyed on my vulnerability and grieving state. :(

I was so desperate to stop the pain I was living of losing Erik, and to actually feel alive again that I accepted the first hint of interest somebody showed me! I think too, sadly, maybe somewhere deep inside, I knew this man was not right but I kinda had a "death wish", like, if it happened I wouldn't care! I'm embarrassed to admit it but I was that low at that point in my grief...

I regret it all so much now because in my heart of hearts I knew I wasn't ready but I kept telling myself all kinds of crazy things, like: "maybe Erik sent me this guy so that I could live again and be happy" *sigh* Nope.

I think ultimately the secret to dating again is that there is no set timeframe. If you feel like you've moved "out of the fog" and into the clarity of knowing who could be right for you after losing your love and you're ready to open you're heart to someone again, then you're ready.

I can only hope for a person who will love and accept all my broken parts as well as accept the fact that he'll be entering a relationship with me AND my love, Erik (in spirit, of course)

For now, I embrace the pain I must travel THROUGH (not around) to heal. And I accept that I'm ready when I'm ready and not any time sooner! (with or without the giant biological clock ticking away in the back round) :/
I miss the way your eyes and stars align
I miss the thoughts that design and build your mind
I miss the way you hold me close like vines
I miss you all the time - USS
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Re: Wondering if it's too soon...

Postby erikamtz » Fri Oct 24, 2014 10:21 am

Rainbows,

It's unfortunate that our grief can affect our self-worth so much that we become desperate enough to accept what we know is not right for ourselves. But I'm very happy you and I found our way out of the destruction. Believe it or not, that guy I had dated after my fiancé passed actually came back with a bouquet of flowers begging for me to go back. But through strength and learned wisdom I said no. THANK GOD!

But the fog will clear and we will all find our way again. I am now at a point where I do not let myself be the victim of my life, but instead I have become the heroin of my life. I am stronger, more sensitive and more open than I've ever been in my life. I am starting to recognize my self-worth and believe that I am alive for a reason. Now I try to cherish all the time I have and try to make every second count.

My hopes are that everyone in this dark cloud can do the same. All my love to you all...
Hope to be together again...love you
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