Don't know what to do

[EmandJosh]

My boyfriend committed suicide by hanging on new years eve 2011, just four months ago now. I miss him so much, to the point where it feels unbearable sometimes. He didn't show any signs of depression and had no money/family issues, everything was perfect and we had everything planned, it was a complete shock. Iv had incredible support from both mine and his family and all our friends, and up til now I feel as though I have been coping to an extent, mostly because you have to I guess. I know it's only been a very short time since losing him but I feel so stuck in life now, all my plans I'd made with him are gone, I can't imagine myself being so in love with anyone else as I was with him. The strange thing is I don't feel anger towards him at all. I don't blame him for anything and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to, I don't know how I should feel anymore. I just love him so much. I have had one counselling session and think I may try to arrange more, I'm sorry if iv rambled, I just can't work out how I should feel or what I should do and wondered if this was normal?

[psyquestor]

(((Em))) It has only been a few months since you lost your Josh to suicide. I hope it helps to know that what you're feeling is natural after a traumatic loss such as this. In the first few months I really needed those counselling sessions and they helped me to know that I wasn't losing it, just coping with this loss as best I could. I'm glad you are considering going back. As far as anger goes, I never have been angry with my son for leaving me this way. Just a complete sadness that he suffered so much pain. Not everyone feels anger, though some do.

Yes, the plans we made for our futures have been taken from us. We are forced to find new reasons to build a new future. I found it helpful though, not to consider the future too much in that first year. I lived in the moment as much as possible. This made coping easier. Some days you take an hour at a time, some days you take 5 minutes at a time; but the overwhelming thought of years was just too much to bare.

I hope this helps.

[EmandJosh]

Thankyou tammy, you've made me feel a little more normal in what I'm feeling, and I'm so sorry you lost your son in that way. Its funny that you should say about not thinking too far ahead, it frightens me to look too far into the future as it looks so dark without him, all the things we should have been doing like getti g married and children are just big black holes now, but his family have told me to just take it minute by minute if I have to, and it does help.
His brothers and parents have gone through phases of being really angry at him but I just can't do it, I'm angry at the situation and at whatever it was that made him do it, but I just can't be angry at him. Every day can be so different but iv realised that it's taken away my ability to cope when things go wrong, hopefully that will change as time goes by. Thankyou so much for your reply xx

[psyquestor]

It will change in time. The reason everything seems so overwhelming is because you're coping with enough on your plate just now. Give it time, things will start to make sense again (in a new way).

(((hugs)))

[WifeLess]

EmandJosh,

The strange thing is I don't feel anger towards him at all. I don't blame him for anything and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to, I don't know how I should feel anymore.

Although many of us survivors of suicide have expressed anger at those we lost, I have never felt that way. I think that much of this anger is misplaced, a result of the mistaken view that suicide is one's true choice rather than the result of mental illness. Although it is estimated that 70 to 90 percent of those who complete suicide have a psychiatric Illness, most often major clinical depression or bipolar disorder, many mistakenly view such death as if it were rationally based and freely chosen. 

Several years ago, shortly after joining an online support group for widows and widowers, I posted the following:

"Although I too am angry at times. I know her suffering was far worse. For decades, she endured the ravages of the cruel disease known as mental illness, which is just as real as any other life-threatening illness, like heart disease or cancer, but often more challenging to diagnose and treat. She fought a good fight for as long as she could. So I am sometimes angry with the illness that took my beloved wife from me, that denied her the long joyous life that she so deserved, that stole from me the greatest happiness I have ever known. Yes, I too am angry."

And a bit later I posted there:

"In the case of my beloved wife, I am neither angry at nor disappointed in her. I know she was ill, and had been for a very long time. She did not do anything to cause or deserve her illness. There was no cure and still isn't. Despite that, she did her best to stay alive for as long as she could. In fact, I am very proud of her for her lifelong struggle. And proud to have called her my wife."

And I still feel this way.

--- WifeLess

[suepred]

Dear one in my journey which started on sept 15 2011 I believe everything is normal.. Each day is differnt and you just have to go with it. Looking into the future too far is only a frustrating excersise I think, one moement at a time, one day at a time. Your sessions with a counselor will help, I have found this forum wonderful, ane the group S.O.S. survivors of suicide has helped me alot also . You can find them online to a group near you. I feel little anger at my dear husband. Just likewe we were both robbed of our life together by a illness greater than us or at least stronger. I send you love and prayers. Peace suepred.

[EmandJosh]

Thankyou both for your very kind words, you have helped me to begin to make sense of my feelings. From the moment I learned what he had done I knew he would not have done this to hurt anyone, especially me. I also feel that I trusted every word and everything that he did implicitly, and so if he thought that this was what he had to do then I will support him in that. And I fully believe that it wasn't his choice, even though he showed no signs of depression or other mental illness I fully believe that it must have almost been like a stroke, as soon as the thought came into his head he didn't have a chance of fighting it, and the josh that I knew an adored had already passed on before the physical act took place. Thinking of it in this way has really helped me to come to terms with things.
When people tell me they are angry at him for doing what he has done my first instinct is to protect him and defend him, I just don't want anybody to think badly of him. Again, thankyou so much for your replies, it really helps to talk to people who understand and can help me to make sense of the huge loss I am feeling.

[psyquestor]

Em, If you don't mind me asking, how old was your Josh? I get the impression he was a very young man. That might just be me reflecting upon my own son though. My Brian was 21. Would you like to tell us about Josh? What kind of person was he?

(((hugs)))

[cali]

I agree with you Em, it is upsetting to hear about anger directed at someone we love when they were already experiencing so much pain. It is because of the misunderstanding around suicide that people get angry at those who died. Better they should be angry at the prevailing ignorance, misinformation and poor mental health services. Also, I think suicide is a community issue. Some friends and relatives have an easier time directing blame at the person who died rather than acknowledging that there were signs -in some cases, not in all- that they missed or even noticed but didn't know what to do about, so they did nothing. Not for a lack of caring, most times, but out of utter ignorance that there are things that anyone can do, and should do if they suspect someone is in danger of self harm.

You have sparked a post for me, that I will post elsewhere because this is your thread. Please know I understand that you didn't know. I agree with you that in some cases suicide can strike like a stroke or heart attack. In others, people are very adept at hiding what they are going through, for any variety of reasons.

To answer your question, what you are experiencing is completely normal. Anyone who tells you that you are required to be angry at Josh is wrong. You are allowed, if you feel that way, even if you feel it is irrational- and I do believe it is irrational, but feelings are not rational. They just are. You are allowed. But you are not, not, ever required to feel that way. How you should feel is how you do feel. What you should do is take care of yourself, accept support, reach out, do things that nurture and help you. Breathe. Go to support groups if you find them helpful. Write. Get counseling. Cry. Tell people you trust to honor your wishes what you need, and then let them help you.

Being so early out from Josh's death is very hard. Please know that it will ease, a bit at a time, there will be setbacks, there are layers to grieving, but there is progress too. Sending you a warm hug and a hand to hold on this terribly difficult journey. You are not alone with this. Not at all.
cali

[suepred]

Dear Em it sounds like you are coming to some helpful thinking in your journey. At my S.O.S. meeting I was introduced to the idea of brain failure which kind of like works like the fight or flight responses we all have. This has been helpful to me in dealing with my story. All our stories are different . You also have found the right place to post and feel a bond with others I am forever greatful to this site and all the people on it. Other people jus don't get it, and you are not resposible for anyones feelings but your own. Have a blessed weekend. Peace suepred.