I have been reading some of the siblings of suicides posts, to better understand my boyfriends family and their blaming me for his suicide. I recently learned that he had these tendencies most of his adult life. His family was well aware of them. What they were not aware of was the incredible amount of love and passion we had. In such a short time (1 year) , we became best friends and felt like we knew each other out whole lives. He was 42 and I am 32. We began fighting the last month of his life, and he had gotten more physical. The night he died, we fought horribly. He was blacked out drunk and we hurt each other pretty badly. I cannot help but know I will never love like I did him. His family hates me. They blame me. Called me a murderer and have threatened my life. Its only been one month. I hurt so badly for them. I feel not only my children's and my pain but his family's pain also. I know it wasn't my fault, I feel guilt (which i know i shouldnt, because I actually prevented an attempt a month prior, same gun, same scenario).
I should have gotten him help. I should have taken him more serious. He was so happy though all the time. Always optimistic and positive. Was a great friend. An awesome step daddy, an amazing lover.
I blame myself for not answering his phone calls before he did it. I was so pissed at him though. I blame myself for not walking out to the jeep a few minutes earlier. For not calling 911 when it gotten physical. We had a beautiful new home and brand new furniture. We had plans. Trips, and vacations. He what I came home too and what I wanted to be better for. As the spouse, finding him was the worst. I will never forget the blood, begging him to wake up. The shock, and disbelief that he actually did this to himself. How could he have done this to his family. To us, and the kids?
What makes it worse is the blame his family has placed on me. The hatred and anger all directed at me. Thats fine. If it helps them grieve, and not have as many issues as I do. Then it's ok. He loved his family, they were all very close. I love his family too. I can only pray for peace and hope that someday all of our questions will be answered.
I'm not aiming this directly towards any specific family memeber of a suicide victim.
Death seems to have a nasty way of bringing out anger and can tear families apart. It sucks. Suicide is by far the worst. It leaves everyone in such a state of utter sadness shock.
Please be open to peace. To acceptance.
I'm rambling and Im sorry....
Good luck to you and I hope you find some answers