Rough night

Especially for those who have lost a sister or brother to suicide

Rough night

Postby littlesisteroftwo » Mon Apr 13, 2015 12:36 am

There is a battle that still rages inside of me, it is a fierce and dark one tonight. The pain takes my breath away. The night terrors are debilitating. I pray. I cry. But, I am still haunted by the memories. I don't know why I'm not further along in my healing by now. I don't know why, after so many years, I still endure such horrible night terrors. My sister completed suicide when she was 23 (I was 20); and my brother, completed suicide when he was 45 (I was 44). I am now 52, so it's been eight years since the second suicide.

I guess I thought that since my husband and I moved further away from my home town that the haunting memories of my siblings suicides and the abuse that we endured by our parents might not bother me as much, but it has not changed. I have seen numerous psychologists and psychiatrists. I have also read an endless number of books, trying to help myself. I keep doing, and repeating, healthy steps trying to get further along in my healing. I hope I can continue to improve much more than I already have, but I don't know. Maybe this is as good as I'm going to get.

Tonight is tormenting me. I had a terrible nightmare, it shook me to the core. In the nightmare, my Dad was beating my sister and I, and my Mom was just sitting there watching him (she didn't care). I woke up screaming. My husband patted me on the back and then he just rolled over and went back to sleep. That's ok, he needs his rest and I need to learn to deal with these things on my own. I am in the living room. The light is on. But, it is so dark and scary on the inside of me right now. I will look for the light. I can do this.

It's just been a long night tonight. I know, they happen.

Little Sister of Two
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Re: Rough night

Postby Cschwab » Fri Jul 17, 2015 2:57 am

My heart hears your pain. I hope the night mares end.
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