i miss my sister

Especially for those who have lost a sister or brother to suicide

i miss my sister

Postby butterfly727 » Wed Feb 18, 2015 12:25 pm

Im new to this forum...I found this place a few days after my sister took her life at age 26 on October 28, 2014. Its taken me some time to actually post here...

I loved my sister, we had had our issues over the yrs. She spent the majority of her life battling depression and had attempted suicide on a few occasions within a 10 yr period. Each time was different and in different stages of her life. I always felt some responsibility for her being her older sister and all. I wanted to protect her, I always just wanted her to be ok and I never thought this would be my reality.

When she was a teen and attempted it I tried to get her help, my parents didn't see depression as a real issue with her. Both my parents had hard lives and grew up in strict settings. Much worse than we had so I can see now, not really knowing what depression can do...they assumed she would out grow it. She had on occasion sought medical help but it never lasted long. She would go yrs without outburst or attempts. Things seemed ok. She became a mother after she had recently had a pacemaker put in...she said it was her time, while her heart was still strong enough. She was a great mother to him. Always taking him places and teaching him about the world. She reenrolled in nursing school. Our father passed a yr before of cancer...she wanted to help others like him.

One morning at work I was told to go to my moms but i needed to be taken...right away it was eerie. As i pulled up to my moms house i saw my sister's boyfriends car in the driveway. At first i thought maybe she had an outburst and possibly arrested. But she had taken her life by jumping off a parking structure at dawn. We found her car at the top with empty wine bottles. It was the worst day of my life. How could she have just woken up and decide today was the day? Ive spent the past few months trying to comprehend that day, her mindset, her pain.

I will probably never get the answers I need...this will haunt me forever...i will miss her till my days end. she was my best friend, my sister, my heart. I want to feel ok again, but its been very trying on myself and my own relationships with people. I know i have changed...im not the same. I spend a lot of time wondering what if...

Im lost without her...
butterfly727
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Re: i miss my sister

Postby murderdecember » Tue Mar 03, 2015 11:33 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to suicide, I can somewhat imagine the kind of pain that you are going through. It has been over two years since I lost my brother. I want to tell you that it will get easier, but I don't want to, because for me it hasn't. I don't want you to get your hopes up in that regard. The best thing that you can do right now is surround yourself with people who have gone through the same kind of loss that you have. I have found a lot of support from some online groups. Perhaps you can do the same. I hope that you are able to find some solace here. We are all here if you need someone.
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Re: i miss my sister

Postby Cschwab » Wed Mar 04, 2015 3:25 am

I too am sorry for the loss and pain of losing a sibling. My brother committed suicide over 2 years ago too. It doesn't get easier. Broken hearts don't really mend ;(. Support is the key and I'm here to let you know neither of you are alone.
Hugs
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Re: i miss my sister

Postby butterfly727 » Wed Mar 04, 2015 11:35 am

Thank you Cschwab and murderdecember for your kind words and sharing your experiences with me. I know you are both right... I know things will never be the same, I'll always feel a void, heartache and the loss because it was so sudden and tragic. I do appreciate you both taking your time to make me feel less alone. Ive been isolating myself for months now... I don't want to but its a full time job pretending everything is ok when I'm out in public. Its exhausting. I wish you both strength in your paths in life ...thank you.
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