brother remembered too much????

Especially for those who have lost a sister or brother to suicide

brother remembered too much????

Postby Johnsmom » Sun Jun 08, 2014 10:03 pm

If you are reading this could I please ask for some help? In October 2009 my 23 year old son took his own life leaving behind his father, his big brother and me. Right now it's closing in on 5 years... I have a corner of my living room where I hung an angel needlework gift from a close friend, a quote on a small plaque and one of my sons graduation pictures. I have his urn on a small table with a candle next to it... his keys are still here also. Since you, being a sibling, have lost a loved brother or sister - would this bother you? Would you hate to see it when you came to the house? I am worried that I am 'hurting' my oldest son as if I loved his little brother more but truthfully, this is how it is right now. I don't know when I will be able to place my son in the ground but for now he's still here with us... What do you think? Would you absolutely hate it? Would you feel terrible? I am afraid to ask my oldest son because he will not tell me the truth, he will try to protect me from his feelings - I want the truth... What do you think?

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Johnsmom- brother remembered too much????

Postby Karyl » Tue Jun 10, 2014 4:55 pm

Johnsmom,

First of all, I am so sorry that your son has taken his life. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Sometimes, it is not easy when the things one person does to grieve clash with what other grievers need.

After Arlyn died, I worried that my obsession with keeping reminders of Arlyn out made it difficult for her older brother. I worried that he would perceive my actions as showing favoritism to her.

I have heard that some siblings resent their mothers or fathers talking about their deceased sibling; they cannot possibly understand how we feel, since they have not walked in our shoes, and they often become angry at the deceased sibling, so a parent who honors the memory might make them even angrier.

In the situation with your son, could you ask him how he feels about his brother's death, and about you having a remembrance corner? I notice you said that you hesitate to ask your son because he might not tell you the truth to protect you. If you can't ask him, could you also create a corner for special things connected to your living son, so that he would see you are giving him 'equal' time and space?

Please let us know how this situation goes.
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Re: brother remembered too much????

Postby Tootle » Tue Aug 12, 2014 9:22 am

As a sibling survivor, I don't think this is too much. Seeing the pain my mother has suffered through, I would never deny her the things she needs to make it through the day. It is getting close to 4 years since my brother, my only sibling, left us. Both my mother and I cling to each other in support, we give ourselves one day out of every week to meet and 'feel'. In order to survive we feel we must do this, the rest of the time we have to control our thoughts so we don't get caught up in the intense sadness of not having him here. She has a little 'shrine', as do I. I wouldn't rush to hide this from your son, this grief is a part of your life. There is nothing wrong with showing that you miss him. He was a big part of your life. Hugs to you <3
In memory of my big brother Rob, my hero and best friend.

To forget time. To forgive life. To be at peace.
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Re: brother remembered too much????

Postby neptunes » Fri Sep 26, 2014 9:47 am

We lost my beloved brother over 5 years ago. My father has a beautiful photo of him, candles, and other small relics on a table by a window in the living room. When my mother died we put a photo of her there also. Every morning, my father comes downstairs, opens the drapes, and says "Good Morning" to my mother and brother. It is one of the most beautiful and poignant things I have ever seen. As a sibling, I would never begrudge my father anything that he needed to do to grieve. I encourage you to do whatever you need to help you in this journey.
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Re: brother remembered too much????

Postby heather » Sun Nov 30, 2014 4:42 pm

As a sibling and a mom myself I truly could never begrudge anything my sweet mom needs to do to be ok. My mom and I talk about Brent all the time, it's been almost four years on 12/08/2010....sigh. Your son and daughters love you "sweet mom's" and we just need you here, healing in whatever way you need too. ((((Hugs))))

One day at a time.
Brent A. Crawford May 2, 1976 - December 8, 2010
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Re: brother remembered too much????

Postby angela092402 » Mon Dec 01, 2014 4:27 am

I lost my sweet brother, when I was age 14. I am now 33. My parents had their grief that left myself and my sister in the wind. I wanted to see more of my brother around our house, I wanted to see their humanity. Deal with your grief jointly with your other son. If you feel that your attention isn't adequate, honor your surviving son in a special way. Thank him for enduring the heartache, thank him for being him, reassure him . Remind him that you always want to honor his lost brother's memory and have him honor with you. I send my love and heart to you. All of my love, Angela
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Re: brother remembered too much????

Postby cali » Thu Dec 25, 2014 9:43 pm

By asking your son how he feels about it, you are showing him that you care about his feelings, regardless of how honest his response is. I think it would be a step in the right direction. You might also ask him if he has a personal memento of his brother that he would like to put on the table too, if he'd like to- if that would be ok with you. Even if he decides not to, he's been included. I still have my son's ashes as well. Peace to you, Johnsmom.

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