Don't know why my big brother left me!!

Especially for those who have lost a sister or brother to suicide

Don't know why my big brother left me!!

Postby Squirt89 » Wed May 28, 2014 7:52 am

On 01.05.14 my brother took his own life while living away with our dad
He didn't leave a note, or any sort of clue as to why he did it!
I hadn't seen my brother for 5 months but we would talk every night until late.
On the night he did it I received a Facebook message telling me he loved me but I was asleep and didn't see the message until the morning...and it was too late to tell him I loved him too.
Why did he do it?? Why didn't he tell anyone he was unhappy??
It's been a month tomorrow and I still don't believe it's happened. I can't understand why he wouldn't leave a note or a message as to why.
It hurts so bad. I feel like I never really knew him. He was such a happy guy. Loved going out with mates and being a prankster!! It's just so out of character
Feeling confused and completely heart broken! Don't think I will ever get over this :cry:
Squirt89
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Re: Don't know why my big brother left me!!

Postby cmarie » Wed May 28, 2014 9:11 am

Suirt89, I am so very sorry you have lost your big brother. It sounds like you two were close, and that he meant so much to you.

From what I have learned, the suicidal mind is very complex. Some have described it like a long dark tunnel, and the only light at the end is death.

I don't think we do ever recover. If we are lucky, we find a new normal, that allows us to live a life that has joy, meaning, and pleasure, but it. Is never the same. My experience has been that the pain lessens, becomes less sharp, less debilitating.

Take care of yourself, grief is exhausting. Find someone to talk to or come here. Connect somehow - whatever works for you.

I am so very sorry for your loss.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: Don't know why my big brother left me!!

Postby Squirt89 » Thu May 29, 2014 7:42 am

Thank you for the reply cmarie.

It's been exactly 4 weeks today since I got the news about my brother.
It's not getting any easier. In fact it's getting worse.
I'm starting to ask myself so many questions. Why? Why didn't I know he was so unhappy?
I spoke to him the night he did it. He seemed fine. We laughed. He teased me as he always does.

Why didn't he want to be my brother any more??

So many people spoke to him on the night he did it. Not one person realised something was wrong....

Was I meant to know what he was going to do???

Just so confused...
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Re: Don't know why my big brother left me!!

Postby cmarie » Thu May 29, 2014 11:32 pm

From what I have read, many people who are depressed and suicidal work really hard to hide their feelings, and what they are going through. My son's suicide came as such a shock - I had no idea he was that depressed.

There are so many questions after a suicide- questions we will never get answers to, but it doesn't seem to stop us asking and wondering. You have to keep asking, until you feel like you don't need to anymore. It's part of the process.

It may not get better for a while- but it will gradually ease - or we just learn to live with it.

Take care
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: Don't know why my big brother left me!!

Postby MaryCatherine » Tue Jun 24, 2014 6:39 pm

Squirt, I'm so sorry for your loss. You need to give yourself more than a few weeks, you've had barely enough time for the shock to wear off. The real work of grief is just beginning, and it is a difficult journey, but one that you can and will do. The first year of any loss is always the most difficult, and there are many feelings that need to be felt. Feel them, deal with them as best you can, and move on to the next. Don't rush yourself or put your feelings on the back burner because they will come back and bite you in time. Your grief is a necessary evil. You will have to go through it and experience it, it's the first part of getting your life back from loss. No, it will not bring your brother back if you do it perfectly, but it will help you come back to life in the long run. I know it's hard to believe, but in time you will come back to life. You will be changed by your loss, but you will be able to incorporate it into your life and live with it. It won't always hurt so much and so constantly, we heal, whether we want to or not, we do heal, and when you do, you will miss your brother still, but you will be able to honor his memory by doing your best to have a good life, because that's what every brother wants for his sister. I lost my little sister a few days before you lost your brother, I know how you are hurting. My sister called me on a Tuesday and told me, "I feel so good today. This is how I want to feel every day. I'm going to take my life back and enjoy it from now on." Four days later, she put a message on Facebook that struck me as strange, so I called her, and she had overdosed. We live far apart, but I was able to get help to her. She went to hospital for 4 days and then they sent her home. A week later, she took another overdose and died. But what I want you to take from this is that people who decide to kill themselves often feel a sense of relief when they make the decision to end their lives, and they can seem fine, perfectly happy, and in good spirits as my sister, and probably your brother did. I'm glad for you that his last message to you was one of love. Always remember that this is what he wanted and chose to leave you with, and cherish that gift. We will never learn the answers in this life, they are just not for us to know. My sister often tried to explain her suicidal ideations to me (she had made many failed attempts) and as much as she tried, I could never understand. I never will, and neither will you or anyone here. But he left you his love, and love has no boundaries between Heaven and Earth. Sending love and prayers, Mary Catherine
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