85 days ago my baby brother took his own life at the age of 19.
19.......It's so unbelievable. I've had my opinions of suicide in the past, but until now I haven't realized that I have never been in a place so bad, so dark, and so painful that I thought dying was the only option I had. No one knew what he was battling in his head. I have learned so much about him since then and I'm sure that he was dealing with severe depression and possibly even a bipolar disorder. Mental illness is a common thing among the women in my family, I guess he was the first male to deal with a mental illness of some sort. We just didn't know.
We thought he was going to college and working part time. On February 10 he lost his job. My dad was able to get his job back for him, and gave my brother a pretty hard lecture about responsibility and work ethic. I had that same lecture when I was my brother's age. The following day his girlfriend broke up with him. He made a strange post on FB at 10:53 a.m. I saw it around 1:10 p.m. and started trying to get in touch with him by text and calling him. A lot of people were trying to get in touch with him. When I hadn't heard from him at 2:30, I called our dad, since I live an hour away, and read him the post. My brother was supposed to be at work at 3:00 so dad was going to catch him at work and when he didn't show up I gave my dad my brother's new address and I started that direction.
I gave my dad his address.....
My dad found him hanging in his apartment. My dad cut him down. (Those words hurt just typing them.)
My poor mom and dad. They lost their baby again. 21 years ago my 13 year old sister was killed in a tragic go-cart wreck. My parents aren't even 60 yet and they have buried two children under the age of 20. I'm all they have and I don't think I've been much help in the past 85 days. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking of what my dad said in the days after my brother took his life. He said "we know how to cope with a go-cart wreck, we know how to cope with a heart attack, we know how to grieve losing someone in a car wreck and cancer, but I don't know how to even start coping or understanding suicide." This is confusing, scary, heartbreaking, and painful.
My brother was our blessing. When my sister died in 1992 my whole family was just going on autopilot. We were going through the motions, and just trying to get by. (I was 16) Then my brother came along at the most perfect time in 1994. He didn't fill the void my sister left, but he put joy and happiness back into our hearts. And he had me the second I laid eyes on him. Now he's gone. There was 18 years between us, and I probably did treat him more like a parent does then a sister should have. I just wanted the best for him, and wanted to see him succeed. I can't believe he's gone. I miss him so much. I miss knowing he's here. I am no more enlightened on what I should do 85 days later then I was the day he took his life.
I can't close my eyes and not see him hanging in his apartment. I can't close my eyes and not imagine him tying the strap around his neck.
I don't know what to do.